Squeeze Me

12:53 AM Her: do you not want to come tomorrow?

12:54 AM would it be too awkward?

 me: i dont know. i just dont want you to feel bad.

12:55 AM Her: I just wish I didn't have to figure out that you weren't really trying all by myself. I wish you would have told me.

 me: i was trying.

12:56 AM and i was putting things together

 Her: not really. you said you didn't want to talk to XX. and that you didn't feel you needed to really change

  what were you putting together?

12:57 AM me: i was putting things together in my mind... our relationship... how it would work/not work, etc.

12:58 AM Her: well I wish I would have know that. like that you needed time to think or whatever.

 me: i thought that's what we were both doing. that's what we talked about

12:59 AM Her: huh? you said you would talk to XX. and then after that you said tonight that you were trying not to think

 me: i know. i was trying not to. but i did from time to time.

1:00 AM Her: that still left me with nothing to go on

 me: yeah, i guess so. sorry.

1:02 AM Her: i just keep feeling so torn between wanting to be done and wanting to hug as tightly as possible and not let go. that feels so fucked.

1:03 AM me: yeah

  i know what u mean

 Her: I feel like I failed because I couldn't make you love me.

1:04 AM me: well you shouldn't feel that way

  you didn't fail

  i did love you. very much.

  and i still do, really

1:05 AM Her: you weren't willing to risk changing your relationship with XX.

  you weren't willing to put me first

1:06 AM me: i was at one point... but you didn't want me back... so after i stepped back it wasn't quite as clear anymore

1:07 AM Her: wtf? I did. I justed needed you to prove it first.

 me: well it didn't seem like you did to me.

1:08 AM Her: how? I was willing to try. You broke my heart. what did you want me to do?

1:09 AM me: i dont know

1:11 AM i cant get into this again right now. i'm sorry. i will call you in the morning. and i will come to your birthday if you want me there.

1:12 AM Her: Could you come over in the morning instead? Like for a 15 minute hug/breakfast/closure?

  you can take all or none of those

 me: ahh...........yeah, i could probably do that

1:13 AM Her: its ok if you can't.

 me: no, i think i can do that

1:14 AM Her: It would just be cool to talk in person before the party. you know?

 me: yeah

 Her: can I ask a time? and do you want breakfast?

 me: probably 10. sure, i'll have something if you are, but nothing special.

1:15 AM Her: ok. It'll be ready at 10. (unless something changes then call)

 me: ok

 Her: thanks

1:16 AM me: have a good nite

 Her: you too. good night.

13 minutes

1:29 AM Her: Hey

 me: yeah

1:30 AM Her: are you going to go to bed?

 me: yeah

 Her: will you close your eyes for a minute and sqeeze me?

 me: okay

1:31 AM there, did you feel it

1:34 AM Her: yes.

 me: good