Cross-Cultural Make-Up Sex

3:58 PM Him: What's going on?

 me: Just chillin? You?

 Him: Wife has plans tonight, so I'm just dicking around at home

  and tasting gins

 me: yummy

  what's the gal doin'?

3:59 PM Him: Tonight she's out with a chica friend

  tomorrow is work friends

 me: cool

  good she's making friends

 Him: yupyup

  I'm not doing as well there as she is

  but then, I'm not as social as she is

4:00 PM me: Hmmm... well, you gotta change that, too, then.

 Him: Meh

  I've got some peeps

  Not many, but I never really do

 me: Fuck it. One gets so much more done without friends.

 Him: I kinda like it that way

  I have my peeps I really like

  and fuck the rest of em. lol

 me: yeah, I'm trying to get rid of a few. :)

 Him: lol

4:01 PM You've been a social butterfly as of late, so I'm not surprised

 me: Accidentally making enemies, too

 Him: Life is more entertaining that way

 me: Yeah, but I'm not good at being hated. :-/

 Him: You get used to it

4:02 PM Buy your enemies a drink

  rotgut whiskey

  ;-)

 me: Good idea

  perfect

4:03 PM Him: On another note, this is the first time EVER that I've thought Miss USA was hot. lol

 me: She IS!!!

  I agree

  Damn Muslims

  :)

4:04 PM Him: Talk about a way to smooth the religious divide.

  Just find more like her and parade them through Jerusalem

 me: Nice

 Him: Young Israeli men will be clamoring to open the borders

4:05 PM me: Hot damn. I think you're onto something.

4:06 PM Him: Beauty may be skin deep, but hormones are effective.

 me: Beauty has done wonders to stop and start wars.

 Him: Indeed

  Why shoot, when you can tap? ;-)

4:07 PM me: ha

5 minutes

4:13 PM Him: Thousands of years of conflict solved by a whole lot of screwin'.

  Elegant solution, if I ever heard one. ;-)

 me: Seems the only way to go, of course.

4:14 PM Cross-culture make-up sex.

  healing all cultural wounds

4:15 PM Him: Too many endorphins to go find an AK-47.

 me: Oh, the things they'd be doing with those AK-47s if they had them.

4:16 PM Him: Hopefully they're unloaded and safetied

 me: Exactly!

 Him: Because wow.

  That seems like it'd hurt

  We'd have to air drop lube

4:17 PM me: Yeah, but after so many years of pain, maybe that's just how they roll

  Yes, KY donations being accepted at present.

 Him: Lube for Libyans!

4:18 PM me: you just made me snort

  :D

 Him: Astro-Glide for Arags?

  Arabs

4:20 PM me: Mandelay for Muslims

 Him: Penis for Palestinians!

4:22 PM me: Inti-Mate for Israelis

 Him: Jack off for Jordanians?

 me: Gaza Gel?

4:23 PM Him: Hot for Hamas. lol

 me: ha!

4:24 PM Him: Yoni for Yemen!

4:25 PM me: you're cracking me up

 Him: One does what one can

 me: thnx

4:28 PM Him: I'm just happy I got to toss out "yoni."

  That word cracks me up every time.

 me: Yeah, I'm particularly fond of that one as well.

4:29 PM Him: Crazy hippies

 me: Hey, they're not the only ones with yonis!

4:30 PM Him: Nope. Just the only ones who call it that. ;-)

 me: Thank the gods!

 Him: Praise be to Vishnu!

4:31 PM me: Honor thy cooch!

4:32 PM Him: That really belongs in wedding vows

4:33 PM me: yes, yes, of course.

4:34 PM Him: To have and hold, to honor and cherish her cooch

4:36 PM me: That would make for far fewer divorces, I imagine

  Well... if people actually honored the vows _ which they don't, of course. Alas

  I mean.. stupid people. Not you, of course. :)

4:39 PM Him: This is true

  vows aren't taken too seriously these days

What if You Think I'm an Asshole?

me: I just took 3 bites of your lunch, so there. 

Him: fuck
you are going to pay for that

me: Yeah, yeah.

Him: hmmmm what are we going to do with each other?

me: I have IDEAS.

Him: hmmmm... those are dangerous ideas.

me: So we just do THIS forever?
This stupid ridiculous friendship that we have?

Him: why is it stupid ?
i dont think its stupid at all
but yeah it sucks that we have this or at least i have this strong attraction and i can see at some point i am going to loose the control and somethign will happen
it has happened before with other people
but i dont think anything between us is stupid or ridiculous
this is your home here
so when i loose friends it takes me twice if not more time to find people with same value and who i can be myself around these people
its not hard and

me: Why are you talking about losing friends?
I'm not sure what that has to do with me.

Him: cause what if you think i am an asshole
or what if i am actually an asshole
what if what happened to you and the last guy happens with me
then i am out of your life and maybe you will decide now

me: I know all about you by now. And I've tolerated a lot. You truly broke my heart and I'm still here.
The last guy was a rebound.
That should be obvious

Him: i cannot apologize enough about breaking your heart and it goes both way
why do you think i am still single

me: I didn't do it to you.

Him: i know

me:I don't know what to do with you.
I will not sustain on stolen kisses.
I guess I just inject you with a high dose of ketamine and wait for you to die peacefully.

Him: hmmmm it might be better for both of us
but i dont want to die though
i want to live i like suffering

me: I don't!

Him: fine kill me

I Hope You Don't Have Krabby Patties

Her: i think ur the most sexiest person in the world

Me: u2

Her: im watching spongebob!

Me: Spongebob is sexy too

Her: very hes singing about a krabby patty

Me: i hope you dont have a krabby patties

Her: wat do u mean

Me: nuthin. tell me more about spongebob

Her: hes VERYHOT

Me: you think so? is it the pants?

Her: patricks playing his belly

Me: that's VERYHOT?

Her: oh yea. and squidward is bragging about his clarinet again

Me: clarinets are kinda hot

Her: i know. that's why im a band geek

Me: your hot when you play the trombone

Her: thanks. now they r plankton and the patty stelers rock band

Me: gotta go call my mom or something. i feel dirty. 

Her: oh well i still like him. luv u. pleaase dont go.

Tend the Potato Farm

Him: hey

Me: Hey, stranger. What up?

Him: nothin' much. where are you these days?

Me: Mich still. You?

Him: ID. potato land

Me: Ha. A friend told me ID doesn't really exists

Him: haha

Me: She said people just got Ireland mixed up - mispronounced it

Him: i don't really know anyone who says they're from idaho

Me: Wow. Maybe you don't even exist anymore

Him: it's possible

Me: Don't want to provoke an existential crisis. Let's just pretend you exist. It's easier that way

Him: ok. ill do some pondering on that subject later

Me: Don't waste your time. It doesn't really matter.

Him: true. maybe it's all a dream

Me: So what have you been pretending to do when you're pretending to exist?

Him: when im not tending to the potato farm, i usually just mess around on the interwebs, or go hiking if it's warm enough

Me: Is it warm enough? Seems to be cold everywhere this week

Him: it could be warmer

Me: roast some potatoes and put them under the covers

Him: lol

Me: you can make a mini potato sweat lodge. you can even chant a bit if you feel so inclined

Him: hold on, i found a cord under my bed

Me: umbilical cord?

Him: it says "EXISTENCE" on it. im going to unplug it

Me: uh oh

Him: oh shi-

Me: Hello?

Walking Away

4:34 PM Her: Sugar cream!

4:35 PM me: Cupcake!

4:36 PM Her: News? How goes that heart?

 me: My heart is stoopid. I'm donating it to science.

4:37 PM Her: Do I have to slap your ass, shuggs? Or do I have to kick some boy booty? What ails you, sugarplum? All hearts are stupid. That's why they aren't minds.

4:38 PM me: Don't want it. Won't have it.

4:39 PM Her: Are you going to tell me what's going on? Who's messing with my shuggs?

 me: Just me, cupcake. Always me. No one messes with me but me. You know that.

4:40 PM I won't let them.

 Her: That's not true at all, but you are your worst enemy, sugar. That much is true.

 me: I suck

4:41 PM bitch

  cunt

  whore

  shit

 Her: All beautiful, except the shit. Now tell me what he did.

4:42 PM me: Nothing. He did nothing at all.

   That's not even a complaint. Nothing to do with him.

 Her: Sugar, enough already. Spill the beans. He must have done something. You don't sound like the same woman in love.

4:43 PM me: I am not, cupcake. He did nothing. 

4:44 PM Her: Nothing?

4:45 PM me: Nothing.

4:46 PM Everything ends. Sometimes you end first.

4:47 PM I did not end first this time.

 Her: I see.

4:48 PM me: I see. It is a shame. A crying shame. 

 Her: No crying. No shame in love.

 me: No love in shame.

  Isn't anything worth keeping around?

4:49 PM I'm tired of walking away.

 Her: So stay. But I can't now, shuggs. Got to go.

 me: Love you, sweetness. You, I'll never leave.

 Her: I know. Just don't stop trying. Don't stop loving.

4:50 PM me: Never

It's What I'm Majoring at

3:46 PM 12-year-old: Hiii!!!!

 me: HEY, peanut butter!

 12: :):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

3:47 PM me:<3<3<3

 12: Do you need 2 leave?

3:49 PM me: Leave? Like now? I'm working, but I can chat a little.

 12: :o

  :-o

  Ok

  Grandma and mom and I are making

  ........

  .....

3:50 PM A tree house!!!

 me: O, nice. I'm envious. I wanted to HELP

  That's so exciting

 12: i have al ot of energy today

  But you can help!!!

 me: Yay!

3:51 PM 12: Its not like we are going to be done anytime soon....

  ;)

  Im making the rope railing!!!

 me: Ha

  That's awesome

 12: yeah

3:52 PM its gonna be cool

  Its what Im majoring at.

 me: heehee

 majoring?

  you are hysterical

 12: yes

3:53 PM :D :-| :D :-| :D

 me: Loopy boy! I LOOOOOOOVE YOU!

 12: I miis youu

3:54 PM Ill see you aroun cuzx i gotstu finisch houmwoik

 me: k, peanut butter

  see you soon

 12: aim almoust dun thou

 me: muuuuua!

 12: Love you!

  XOXOXOXXOXO

  O

 me: XXXXOOOOOXOXOXOXOXOX

3:55 PM Diego:<3

  by/

  bye

  heh

 me:<3

I am used to more devotion

4:51 PM me:What's going on?  No call?

 Him: You seemed busy

 me: Busy?

4:52 PM Not for you.

 Him: Who was that guy?

 me: Friend

  Is that it?

  Don't be like that

4:53 PM Him: What should I be like? I never know with you. I get you one day a week. Who gets you the other days?

4:57 PM Nothing?

 me: You serioua?

4:58 PM I'm not answering that question.

  We said no questions.

 Him: I am used to more devotion.

 me: Devotion? God, what do you need from me? You want to go to church?

5:00 PM Him: What I need from you is loyalty and time. If you can do that, then we don't need church. I need to know you're mine and no one else. I don't want anyone else inside that pussy.

 me: Yours?

5:01 PM That is so severe.

5:03 PM This is about my pussy?

 Him:Yes. My pussy. I am devoted to it.

 me: You can have the pussy. The rest is mine. 

5:06 PM Him: Bring it.

 me: Coming