Cross-Cultural Make-Up Sex

3:58 PM Him: What's going on?

 me: Just chillin? You?

 Him: Wife has plans tonight, so I'm just dicking around at home

  and tasting gins

 me: yummy

  what's the gal doin'?

3:59 PM Him: Tonight she's out with a chica friend

  tomorrow is work friends

 me: cool

  good she's making friends

 Him: yupyup

  I'm not doing as well there as she is

  but then, I'm not as social as she is

4:00 PM me: Hmmm... well, you gotta change that, too, then.

 Him: Meh

  I've got some peeps

  Not many, but I never really do

 me: Fuck it. One gets so much more done without friends.

 Him: I kinda like it that way

  I have my peeps I really like

  and fuck the rest of em. lol

 me: yeah, I'm trying to get rid of a few. :)

 Him: lol

4:01 PM You've been a social butterfly as of late, so I'm not surprised

 me: Accidentally making enemies, too

 Him: Life is more entertaining that way

 me: Yeah, but I'm not good at being hated. :-/

 Him: You get used to it

4:02 PM Buy your enemies a drink

  rotgut whiskey

  ;-)

 me: Good idea

  perfect

4:03 PM Him: On another note, this is the first time EVER that I've thought Miss USA was hot. lol

 me: She IS!!!

  I agree

  Damn Muslims

  :)

4:04 PM Him: Talk about a way to smooth the religious divide.

  Just find more like her and parade them through Jerusalem

 me: Nice

 Him: Young Israeli men will be clamoring to open the borders

4:05 PM me: Hot damn. I think you're onto something.

4:06 PM Him: Beauty may be skin deep, but hormones are effective.

 me: Beauty has done wonders to stop and start wars.

 Him: Indeed

  Why shoot, when you can tap? ;-)

4:07 PM me: ha

5 minutes

4:13 PM Him: Thousands of years of conflict solved by a whole lot of screwin'.

  Elegant solution, if I ever heard one. ;-)

 me: Seems the only way to go, of course.

4:14 PM Cross-culture make-up sex.

  healing all cultural wounds

4:15 PM Him: Too many endorphins to go find an AK-47.

 me: Oh, the things they'd be doing with those AK-47s if they had them.

4:16 PM Him: Hopefully they're unloaded and safetied

 me: Exactly!

 Him: Because wow.

  That seems like it'd hurt

  We'd have to air drop lube

4:17 PM me: Yeah, but after so many years of pain, maybe that's just how they roll

  Yes, KY donations being accepted at present.

 Him: Lube for Libyans!

4:18 PM me: you just made me snort

  :D

 Him: Astro-Glide for Arags?

  Arabs

4:20 PM me: Mandelay for Muslims

 Him: Penis for Palestinians!

4:22 PM me: Inti-Mate for Israelis

 Him: Jack off for Jordanians?

 me: Gaza Gel?

4:23 PM Him: Hot for Hamas. lol

 me: ha!

4:24 PM Him: Yoni for Yemen!

4:25 PM me: you're cracking me up

 Him: One does what one can

 me: thnx

4:28 PM Him: I'm just happy I got to toss out "yoni."

  That word cracks me up every time.

 me: Yeah, I'm particularly fond of that one as well.

4:29 PM Him: Crazy hippies

 me: Hey, they're not the only ones with yonis!

4:30 PM Him: Nope. Just the only ones who call it that. ;-)

 me: Thank the gods!

 Him: Praise be to Vishnu!

4:31 PM me: Honor thy cooch!

4:32 PM Him: That really belongs in wedding vows

4:33 PM me: yes, yes, of course.

4:34 PM Him: To have and hold, to honor and cherish her cooch

4:36 PM me: That would make for far fewer divorces, I imagine

  Well... if people actually honored the vows _ which they don't, of course. Alas

  I mean.. stupid people. Not you, of course. :)

4:39 PM Him: This is true

  vows aren't taken too seriously these days

What if You Think I'm an Asshole?

me: I just took 3 bites of your lunch, so there. 

Him: fuck
you are going to pay for that

me: Yeah, yeah.

Him: hmmmm what are we going to do with each other?

me: I have IDEAS.

Him: hmmmm... those are dangerous ideas.

me: So we just do THIS forever?
This stupid ridiculous friendship that we have?

Him: why is it stupid ?
i dont think its stupid at all
but yeah it sucks that we have this or at least i have this strong attraction and i can see at some point i am going to loose the control and somethign will happen
it has happened before with other people
but i dont think anything between us is stupid or ridiculous
this is your home here
so when i loose friends it takes me twice if not more time to find people with same value and who i can be myself around these people
its not hard and

me: Why are you talking about losing friends?
I'm not sure what that has to do with me.

Him: cause what if you think i am an asshole
or what if i am actually an asshole
what if what happened to you and the last guy happens with me
then i am out of your life and maybe you will decide now

me: I know all about you by now. And I've tolerated a lot. You truly broke my heart and I'm still here.
The last guy was a rebound.
That should be obvious

Him: i cannot apologize enough about breaking your heart and it goes both way
why do you think i am still single

me: I didn't do it to you.

Him: i know

me:I don't know what to do with you.
I will not sustain on stolen kisses.
I guess I just inject you with a high dose of ketamine and wait for you to die peacefully.

Him: hmmmm it might be better for both of us
but i dont want to die though
i want to live i like suffering

me: I don't!

Him: fine kill me

I Hope You Don't Have Krabby Patties

Her: i think ur the most sexiest person in the world

Me: u2

Her: im watching spongebob!

Me: Spongebob is sexy too

Her: very hes singing about a krabby patty

Me: i hope you dont have a krabby patties

Her: wat do u mean

Me: nuthin. tell me more about spongebob

Her: hes VERYHOT

Me: you think so? is it the pants?

Her: patricks playing his belly

Me: that's VERYHOT?

Her: oh yea. and squidward is bragging about his clarinet again

Me: clarinets are kinda hot

Her: i know. that's why im a band geek

Me: your hot when you play the trombone

Her: thanks. now they r plankton and the patty stelers rock band

Me: gotta go call my mom or something. i feel dirty. 

Her: oh well i still like him. luv u. pleaase dont go.

Tend the Potato Farm

Him: hey

Me: Hey, stranger. What up?

Him: nothin' much. where are you these days?

Me: Mich still. You?

Him: ID. potato land

Me: Ha. A friend told me ID doesn't really exists

Him: haha

Me: She said people just got Ireland mixed up - mispronounced it

Him: i don't really know anyone who says they're from idaho

Me: Wow. Maybe you don't even exist anymore

Him: it's possible

Me: Don't want to provoke an existential crisis. Let's just pretend you exist. It's easier that way

Him: ok. ill do some pondering on that subject later

Me: Don't waste your time. It doesn't really matter.

Him: true. maybe it's all a dream

Me: So what have you been pretending to do when you're pretending to exist?

Him: when im not tending to the potato farm, i usually just mess around on the interwebs, or go hiking if it's warm enough

Me: Is it warm enough? Seems to be cold everywhere this week

Him: it could be warmer

Me: roast some potatoes and put them under the covers

Him: lol

Me: you can make a mini potato sweat lodge. you can even chant a bit if you feel so inclined

Him: hold on, i found a cord under my bed

Me: umbilical cord?

Him: it says "EXISTENCE" on it. im going to unplug it

Me: uh oh

Him: oh shi-

Me: Hello?

Walking Away

4:34 PM Her: Sugar cream!

4:35 PM me: Cupcake!

4:36 PM Her: News? How goes that heart?

 me: My heart is stoopid. I'm donating it to science.

4:37 PM Her: Do I have to slap your ass, shuggs? Or do I have to kick some boy booty? What ails you, sugarplum? All hearts are stupid. That's why they aren't minds.

4:38 PM me: Don't want it. Won't have it.

4:39 PM Her: Are you going to tell me what's going on? Who's messing with my shuggs?

 me: Just me, cupcake. Always me. No one messes with me but me. You know that.

4:40 PM I won't let them.

 Her: That's not true at all, but you are your worst enemy, sugar. That much is true.

 me: I suck

4:41 PM bitch

  cunt

  whore

  shit

 Her: All beautiful, except the shit. Now tell me what he did.

4:42 PM me: Nothing. He did nothing at all.

   That's not even a complaint. Nothing to do with him.

 Her: Sugar, enough already. Spill the beans. He must have done something. You don't sound like the same woman in love.

4:43 PM me: I am not, cupcake. He did nothing. 

4:44 PM Her: Nothing?

4:45 PM me: Nothing.

4:46 PM Everything ends. Sometimes you end first.

4:47 PM I did not end first this time.

 Her: I see.

4:48 PM me: I see. It is a shame. A crying shame. 

 Her: No crying. No shame in love.

 me: No love in shame.

  Isn't anything worth keeping around?

4:49 PM I'm tired of walking away.

 Her: So stay. But I can't now, shuggs. Got to go.

 me: Love you, sweetness. You, I'll never leave.

 Her: I know. Just don't stop trying. Don't stop loving.

4:50 PM me: Never

It's What I'm Majoring at

3:46 PM 12-year-old: Hiii!!!!

 me: HEY, peanut butter!

 12: :):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

3:47 PM me:<3<3<3

 12: Do you need 2 leave?

3:49 PM me: Leave? Like now? I'm working, but I can chat a little.

 12: :o

  :-o

  Ok

  Grandma and mom and I are making

  ........

  .....

3:50 PM A tree house!!!

 me: O, nice. I'm envious. I wanted to HELP

  That's so exciting

 12: i have al ot of energy today

  But you can help!!!

 me: Yay!

3:51 PM 12: Its not like we are going to be done anytime soon....

  ;)

  Im making the rope railing!!!

 me: Ha

  That's awesome

 12: yeah

3:52 PM its gonna be cool

  Its what Im majoring at.

 me: heehee

 majoring?

  you are hysterical

 12: yes

3:53 PM :D :-| :D :-| :D

 me: Loopy boy! I LOOOOOOOVE YOU!

 12: I miis youu

3:54 PM Ill see you aroun cuzx i gotstu finisch houmwoik

 me: k, peanut butter

  see you soon

 12: aim almoust dun thou

 me: muuuuua!

 12: Love you!

  XOXOXOXXOXO

  O

 me: XXXXOOOOOXOXOXOXOXOX

3:55 PM Diego:<3

  by/

  bye

  heh

 me:<3

I am used to more devotion

4:51 PM me:What's going on?  No call?

 Him: You seemed busy

 me: Busy?

4:52 PM Not for you.

 Him: Who was that guy?

 me: Friend

  Is that it?

  Don't be like that

4:53 PM Him: What should I be like? I never know with you. I get you one day a week. Who gets you the other days?

4:57 PM Nothing?

 me: You serioua?

4:58 PM I'm not answering that question.

  We said no questions.

 Him: I am used to more devotion.

 me: Devotion? God, what do you need from me? You want to go to church?

5:00 PM Him: What I need from you is loyalty and time. If you can do that, then we don't need church. I need to know you're mine and no one else. I don't want anyone else inside that pussy.

 me: Yours?

5:01 PM That is so severe.

5:03 PM This is about my pussy?

 Him:Yes. My pussy. I am devoted to it.

 me: You can have the pussy. The rest is mine. 

5:06 PM Him: Bring it.

 me: Coming

Not You. Definitely not You.

11:41 AM Her: Hey, sugar puff!

11:42 AM me: WOW! I can't believe it's you, cupcake. I miss you so so so so so much.

 Her: Not as much as I miss you, sweetie. How you been?

 me: :(

11:43 AM Her: I figured as much. I feel your pain all the way from here. Oh, sugar, it's all going to be ok. You just have to believe that.11:44 AM me: I do. I do. You won't hear any whining from me. But, man, I wish you were here.

11:47 AM Her: I always with you, shuggs. You know I love you. How's your heart?

11:48 AM me: What heart?

11:50 AM Her: You might be able to fool all those fuckers out there, hon, but you can't fool me. I know you have the the biggest heart of all of them. And it feels every ripple in the pond. Poor, baby.

 me: I'm just doing my job, cupcake. Absorbing some of the shit, so the world can be a better place. :)

 Her: Well, enough of that. You have to get yours too.

 me: I get mine.

11:53 AM Her: No, you give and you give. You never take. And sometimes you don't even let us give. You have to let us give. You got someone loving on you, sugar?

11:55 AM me: uh... smiling. Yeah, maybe. Yeah.

11:57 AM Her: Ooo, I like that. More, please.

 me: I don't know what to say. I really don't. He's...Oh, he's...He's...  He can do no wrong.12:00 PM Her: That sounds very dangerous.Watch your heart, sugar. Don't go giving it all too soon.

 me: I know. Man, do I know. I can't really give any of it. Any. It's utter madness.

 Her: Love is always madness.

 me: Hey! Who said anything about love?

11:53 AM Her: Oh, sugar. You did. You said it all. Remember, you can't fool this little lady.

11:55 AM me: I love YOU. Can't I just love you? Isn't that just good enough? It's all so damn hard. So effen complicated. I can't stand it. Can't I just run and hide? Can't I just...stop it all.

11:57 AM Her: No, shuggs. Not you. Definitely not you.

A Hot Arrogant Fuckstick

7 minutes

2:37 PM Him: I love you, sexy mama.

 me: Aren't I lucky

2:40 PM cut it out

 Him:What do ya mean?

2:41 PM me: The crap

 Him: Not crap. I mean it.

 me: Fuck off!I dont want your love

 Him: You want me.

 me: Not anymore

 Him: I want you.

 me: Takes 2

2:42 PM Him: Cmere then.

 me: No got better places to be

2:43 PM Him: No place better than on me.

 me: That's what you thinkYour an arrogant fuckstickA hot arrogant fuckstick but an arrogant fuckstickAnd a hot arrogant fuckstick is still nothing but a fuckstick
Him: But I love fucking you. I love you, sexy.

 me: Thats to badSucks for you

2:44 PM Him: You want me to take you away again?Where you want to go, sexy? I promised you Venice.

 me: I dont want your company or your money

 Him: Yes you do.I treat you right. Not like those little pricks you go out with.

 me: Your the one with the little prick

 Him: LowThat little prick makes you scream.

 me: Fear

 Him: I scare you then?

 me: not so much

2:45 PM Him: Cuz you love me too.

 me: Yea thats it

 Him: I'm going love you forevere

 me: As long as I stay on all fours and suck your friends dick while you fuck my ass?

 Him: He's my boy.

2:46 PM me: Not mine

 Him: But I am.

 me: Not anymore

 Him: What's the big deal?

 me: Not you

 Him: Why r you so worked up?

Still a Spark

6:15 PM me: Hey you! Running late. Meet you guys directly @ dinner. Know where it is?

 Her: No problem. See you there.

 me: Your socks are being held for ransom...

6:16 PM Her: Not a very sexy gift to leave. Should have opted for the panties instead.

 me: Indeed. Difficult to lose them when they stay on the entire time. ;-)

 Her: See, I knew there was a good reason for that.

6:17 PM me: Had to be. Guess I'll just make due w socks for now...

  Her: I've got terribly cute feet. :-)me: Can't rush some things, ya know?Her: I do.me: And you, beautiful! Nice to know there's still a spark...Her: I'll always have a flint for youme: Have timber. Will travel.Her: I'm holding you to that. I'm holding you.   

Are You Relaxed?

11:40 AM 

me: is your dude still not there?Her: nofucker

11:42 AM me: damn, dude... we coulda banged like 5 times by now.

 Her: yep

  :(

  hey, lover...

 me: yes

11:43 AM Her: never mind

 me: no what?

 Her: i was just teasing

 me: haha you are a tease.

 Her: no, i just liked that somehow.

 me: <3

 Her: like how it sounds in my head

11:44 AM or looks onscreen

  <3

  goof

 me: i like how you sound in my head.

11:45 AM hah

 Her: i like how you sound in real life

  especially when you're fucking me

 me: do i sound good? haha. i wouldnt know. :)

 Her: bullshit

11:46 AM you practice with a recorder and then jack off while you listen to it

  obviously

 me: haha... good idea.

 Her: no one is that good naturally

  :)

 me: stfu. :)

  i do like how you sound, tho.

 Her: naw

 me: when you're cumming on me.

11:47 AM Her: you haven't heard the best of it yet. my body is weird right now. 

 ne: thats ok.

 Her: no its not

11:48 AM me: it'll get back to normal.

 Her: you think? I hope so.

 me: i'm pretty confident.

11:49 AM Her: no shit ;)

 me: no... in YOU.

 Her: I think maybe a roofie would help

11:50 AM me: oh yeah?

 Her: yes

 me: can you actually cum when roofied, or is it just a different feeling?

 Her: i think i can

11:51 AM I'm able to come when drugged up

 me: interesting

 Her: Takes a little longer at times, but

  I do well relaxed

 me: do you feel relaxed when you're fucking me yet?

 Her: Yes

11:53 AM But something is still off. I think it's just my being sick because I feel very comfortable with you.

 me: thats good.

11:54 AM so am i.

 Her: You are crazy hot

  unexpected

11:55 AM 

  shutting up now

 me: you flatter me too much.

  you're the hot one of the pair, tho

  fyi

11:56 AM Her: Shut up. it'll totally go to my head.

Your Pussy Is in Safe Hands

11:12 AM Him: what are u wearing?

11:14 AM me: glasses

11:15 AM Him: pics plz. naked if possible

11:16 AM me: I also have a blue skirt on

 Him: ooh.,

 me: which I guess I'll take off now.

 Him: why?

 me: "pics plz. naked if possible"

 Him: hahaha...ooh. i didnt think you would. :0

11:17 AM me: kthennotgonna

 Him: dammit, stop fucking with my emotions, girl! hahah

  or...

  my libido

11:18 AM me: but you say things you don't mean.

 Him: more accurate

  do i?

  have i not always come thru on my promises?

 me: you ask for pics then say you didn't think i would so clearly you ask though you assume i won't, hence you're not really asking. Mouthful. Tirednowgottago

11:19 AM Him: i'll show you mine if you show me yours.

 me: ooh!

  deal

 Him: good,

  anything you want to show

11:20 AM me: what?

11:21 AM Him: just sayin, i love it all. so whatever you like, send.

11:22 AM me: I just took a pic of my pussy. OMG

 Him: just sent my contrution. ;0

11:23 AM mmm lemme see the little flower!

 me: OMG I don't think I want that out there. :O

11:24 AM Him: tease.

11:25 AM me: OMG

11:26 AM Him: yess?

  holy fuck that looks tasty.

 me: OMG

11:27 AM Him: hahah what?

11:29 AM me: nothing nothing nothing just toggling back and forth between the two. I thought maybe I could produce a flip book effect of sorts

  :D

  OMG

11:30 AM Him: mmm you should

11:31 AM me: I'll make you fuck me yet, even if it's just in photoshop! 

11:32 AM Him: hahaha. let me know if its any substitute. ill try iy myself

 me: Are you forwarding that pic to all your friends. I already posted yours to FB.

  

11:33 AM Him: hahaha you would, too!

 me: No way

 Him: haha

 me: dont want to share

 Him: dont worry your pussy is in safe hands

Soccer or Baseball?

6:42 PM me: when are you gonna be free?

6:44 PM Her: Not sure. Another hour?

6:45 PM 

  The exbf wants me to stop by to talk, but I don't think I will.

6:46 PM me: ahhh.

  the dude you just "broke up" with?

 Her: oh, shit no. The one before.

6:47 PM I don't refer to anyone after that as a bf

6:48 PM me: ahhh. understandable.

 Her: But I do want to birth a soccer team with you

  :)

6:49 PM me: oooh!

  that sounds like fun.

6:50 PM Her: Do you prefer soccer or baseball?

6:51 PM me: hmmm... how big are soccer teams/

 Her: I like the idea of an even 11

 me: hah

  sounds good. sure your little body could handle all that stress?

6:52 PM Her: wow. no idea

  but i do have child bearing hips

6:53 PM and i come from a hugely child-bearing family. I think it's in the genes

  I don't think my grandmother was ever not pregnant

  I think that's enough of that

6:54 PM me: haha. what BC are you on again? sweating :)

 Her: lol

  did i say i was on BC?

 me: go for it. :)

6:56 PM Her: go for it?

  wtf

 me: i'm fucking with you, sugar.

6:57 PM Her: too bad

 me: i'll just fuck you as much as possible, and you do as you wish. :)

6:58 PM Her: don't worry. i'll just quietly slip away.

6:59 PM me: haha. oh, but i'd want to see what amazingly creative and awesome people they become!

 Her: i'll send you pics

  or you can become a FB friend or something

7:00 PM me: ahhh, k, that works. ;)

 Her: Probably time to stop joking about this.

  wow. now i'm totally not turned on at all. cool. i can probably work now

  my va-JJ is terrified

 me: awwww, i finally found a way to turn you off. :)

 Her: and my uterus hurts

7:01 PM 

 me: poor gal.

 Her: aw, man. or maybe i just need to be fucked

 me: yeah, probs.